MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 1000 XV

In the not-too-distant past -
Last Sunday A.D. -
There was a guy named Yuri,
Way too different from you or me.
He fought to save world many times,
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.
He did a good job fixing up the place,
But his enemies didn't like him
So they shot him into space.

Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,
Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To mess with Nicolai.

Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)
Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)
Johnny! (How can we escape?)
Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax (Really)
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"

"Hey…welcome to the Hunk of Junk…" Yuri said, trying to hide fear in his voice. "Last time, we got the schedule. It…ah, turns out….that our next story is called…well, 'Harry Potter turns to the Lord'. By the title alone, it's obviously a story that involves 'the boy who lived' giving up his world of magic and wonder to become a zealot Christian." Yuri took a deep breath. "Yeah."

"God, I hate these kind of stories!" Alice yelled, in a tone of voice unlike her. "This is why we can't have nice things! Zealots! Christian zealots! They turn good stories into what they want! We can't have different religions or ideas, everyone and everything needs to be Christian!"

"Alice?" Johnny poked his head out of the cushions.

"I'm sorry." Alice returned to her normal voice. "It's just…I'm sick of this kind of story. Yeah, it's out first one, but I went to school with a lot crazy people, and it left a very bad impression. I have a feeling that I know the author!"

"Calm down." Shania said, her face hiding behind her book. "We handled worst. Surely a piece of Christian drivel can't be that bad."

"Trust me, nothing is bad as 'Captain Cross V.S. Stars and Moons!'" Alice swiped a beer bottle from Yuri and took a swig. "The first in ten comics sold at the school I went to."

Shania threw her book down, showing a face of horror. "Thank you, Alice. Now I lost my cool! Thanks!" She gave Alice two thumbs up, and then slouched.

Alice looked around. Yuri was trying to drink his beer, but his hands continued to shake, leaving a mess on the counter. Johnny remained under his cushions. Shania was starting to fall into her chair. Any second now, the alarms would go off, and they would run into the theater to tackle the story. Alice sighed, knowing what she had to do.

She walked over to the theater doors, and ran in.

"ALICE!" Yuri yelled. Everyone ran over to the doors. Yuri tried to open the doors, but the locks had already set in, preventing anyone from entering…and leaving. "DAMNIT!"

"Did she just…sacrifice herself to tackle today's story?" Shania said, her fear turning into despair.

"She did." Johnny whispered.

"ALICE!"

-Harry Potter turns to the Lord-

Alice: And gives him the finger.

Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard.

Alice: Tonight on NBC.

It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever.

Alice: Oh, stop pretending you're deep.

It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end, and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore.

Alice: Its called puberty. Everyone goes though that.

"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, inquisitively.

Alice (Dumbledore): What did just hide under the covers when I came in?

"It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class."

Alice (Dumbledore): It's like you're bored, or something!

"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood.

Alice: Meanwhile, the Weasley twins are setting up a Looney Tunes style trap.

"Sleep deprivation, perchance?" the instructor persisted.

Alice: A perchance to have a chance to dream?

Harry wearily acquiesced. "Yes, sir," he sighed, "Bad dreams."

Alice (Harry): It's like I have an evil wizard trying to killing me after he killed my parents.

"Odd," remarked Dumbledore. "Such an occurance seldom happens here at Hogwarts."

Alice: You need new glasses, and a hearing aid.

"I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?"

"Yes. Thank you, sir."

Alice (Harry): …yes, sir, thank you for a vacation. Madly do I thank you.

Not that time off would do him any good.

Alice: He didn't leave.

The nightmares were omnipresent, and would not relent, even in the daytime.

Alice: Voldemort became both his shoulder angel and his shoulder devil.

To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds.

Alice: And check for hot babes.

He rocketed over the eastern border and across the murky oceans, but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered.

Alice: He needs coffee, STAT!

He began to plummet.

Alice: But can he earn the gold?

Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours.

Alice: Good thing he's not afraid of falling to his death.

Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark.

Alice: Oh, this is how Harry Potter turns to the Lord! The end?

"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?"

Alice: You're not dead, are you?

Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness, and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties.

Alice (Harry): Where are my clothes?

As Harry was perceptive, he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes.

Alice: And by the smell of rotten apples.

"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.

Alice: Germany.

"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!" chuckled the man, retreating slightly to give the young wizard his space. "I was worried you may have frozen out there, on the beach."

Alice: I have a feeling that his guy was beat up by his high school band.

"Who are you?" whispered Harry, becoming more and more awake.

Alice (Harry): What's the capital of Assyria?

"My name is David," the man replied.

Alice (David): As in the Biblical/Torah figure.

"I, uh - - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky. Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"

Alice (David): You aren't one of so people redoing the opening of Kingdom Hearts?

"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly.

Alice (Harry): With my boomstick!

"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting."

Alice: …Captain.

Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.

"Where's my robe?" he cried.

Alice (Harry): I had my collection of Chocolate Frog Cards in my robe!

"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, you know. Really quite fascinating - - albeit evil."

Alice: Yeah, because a stick is evil.

"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see."

Alice: Much like how poorly-written Christians always carry crosses, hold Bibles, and talk the way of the Jesus!

"A wizard, you say?" mused David. "I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?"

Alice (David): The one that I'm always on the run to prevent them from wiping my mind?

"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically.

"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there."

Alice (David): Before killing her.

"What was her name?"

"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly.

Alice (David): No, wait, it was Ashley! No, Maddy! No, no, it's Pearl! Yes! Pearl!

She was a highly decorated student there, top of her class she told me.

Alice: Then again, both were drunk.

Until one day she achieved a new level of magic, and that's when things started to go awry."

Alice: She used magic from the book of 'Forbidden, Black, Evil Magic. DON'T USE. THIS WILL KILL YOU.'

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," David remarked.

Alice: Her family was killed by a priest.

"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation.

Alice: Like this was planned.

"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety.

Alice: Satanic by his definition.

All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them, but she had to find out why she was being haunted.

Alice (David): Then again, I was dating her.

So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage. I showed her The Bible, you see..."

Alice (David): …and she joined my harem.

"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.

Alice: Despite living with Muggles for eleven years. The Dursleys must not be religious.

"That's right," he replied,

"The Christian Bible.

Alice: Of Ambiguous Nature.

And, according to the Scriptures - - ooh, what was that verse?

Alice: Because every Christian knows verses by heart.

Ah, yes! Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord. "So, don't you see, young man?" David finished.

Alice (Harry): Yes, I see, but how does that apply to me?

"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one."

Alice: Satan has MUCH better things to do. Trust me.

"Impossible!" thundered Harry. "Are you suggesting that I have been deceived, and that it is actually the wizards and witches who are in the wrong?"

"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably.

Alice: Well, as a butter knife. That's been buried in the ground for ten years.

"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!"

Alice: Great, the author lowered Harry to the level of Draco!

"So, you're having nightmares, too?"

Harry was silenced.

Alice: Permanently.

David strolled over to him, and lay the Bible beside him. "I've made you some hot chocolate," he smiled.

Alice (David): Don't mind the Rohypnol.

"Get your rest. We'll talk more about this later."

Alice (David): Dream of the Lord!

Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week, for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend.

Alice: It's like David planned this!

David taught him all about Christ, and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world.

Alice: Because of him, zealots were born!

And the more Harry heard of it, the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils.

Alice (David): Magic is evil! Now, convert!

Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore.

Alice: He had to escape.

"David?" he asked one afternoon.

Alice (Harry): What's sex?

"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper.

Alice: While also smoking from corncob pipe.

"How do I become a Christian?"

"I was praying that you'd ask me that before you left," smiled David, proudly. "Come, let me show you."

Alice (David): Bath time!

David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer, and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly.

Alice (David): Lord, I've altered a man's soul to serve you.

"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness, for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world. I have given my very essence to the enemy of man, and taken joy in it as well. I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld, all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts. Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom. In your name I pray...Amen."

Alice: The real Harry Potter would have immediately broke into laughter, stunned David, and made his way home. Just saying.

Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them.

Alice: Wait…gah! He pulled his eyes out!

For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted, and...pure.

Alice: This moment lasted a second.

He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born and he wept, both out of joy, and sorrow for all of his friends that remained blind to the real truth, indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts, convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings.

Alice: Thus weakening him to when Voldemort attacks!

He wept all night long because of this.

Alice (Harry): I miss my mom and dad! But, hey, I'm Christian now!

"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack.

Alice: With his wizard gear secretly hidden.

"Yes, Harry?" replied David.

"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?"

Alice (David): Nope! You're damned!

"The demons that you once embezzled will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted.

Alice: Unless, you know, you fought back.

"But if God is for you, then who can be against you? Go, and spread the word. You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter. Now it's time you used it for good."

Alice (David): Go out on a holy crusade into foreign lands to change the barbarians into followers of our Lord! God bless!

Musing over the profound and genuine words of his life-altering friend,

Alice: Profound and genuine are the words that one would describe the complete opposite of David.

Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.

Alice: But he had a carving for a Butterbeer.

But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay.

Alice: Jesus needs a restraining order.

-End-

Alice: And remember, Christianity is the way to a good afterlife! Any other religions or ideas are works of the devil! Buy Chick Tracks at your local church!

"Alice?" Yuri, eyes still wet, looked over to see Alice walk out from the theater. Alice looked unscathed, with a faint smile on her face. "Alice!" He got to her first, hugging her tight. "Why?"

"I…didn't my friends to sit through what I endured for seven years." Alice spoke, quietly. "My time in school always remained as a nightmare in my head. My classmates believed that our religion was the only one that mattered. I spent too many years traveling with my dad to not believe them. I guess I charged in alone to prevent my friends from suffering from what I went through…and to deal with some personal demons."

"Thank you, Alice." Shania wrapped her arms around Alice. "I owe you one."

"Me, too. Thanks." Johnny joined in.

And so they remained huddled.

Let's give them some alone time.

I had to do this one. Just had to it.